Worries and Anxiety

Hello!

It's been a while since my last post. The holidays are coming to and end and school is right around the corner. I can't believe that next year, I'm going to have to face PT3, a huge checkpoint in my life. I kinda have this burden on my shoulders every time I think about it. Since my sister couldn't get straight A's in her PT3, I feel a bit down because my sister is my role model and if she couldn't, then how could I?

Plus, I think if I did get straight A's, she would be sad because it's heartbreaking, you know? To see your younger sister succeed over what you did. It somehow creates a hole in my heart when I think of it. At first, I thought that she would never have a reason to hate me or anything. But when I thought it through, PT3 was one of those things where if I get a better score than she did, she'll be disappointed in herself.

I don't really know. That's just one of my many worries.

A friend of mine sent the class list names and thank God, most of my classmates are the same as this year. I can't afford to lose them, you know? Now that I'm turning 15, I feel like I'm getting VERY old haha. 

I've been trying this app called 7 Cups which is like a therapy app where you have listeners that you can talk to. So far, everyone I've met on there are very nice. You can become a listener too on the app. I find that it helps me a lot when I have a problem or I get anxiety and I can't talk to my friends and family.

Speaking of anxiety, I'm going to be completely honest. I don't know why but there are these little things in my daily life that I can't do. Simple things like going up to the cashier and paying, choosing a book from a shelf in a bookstore and so on and so forth. I find that very hard to do. I told one of my listeners on the app and he tried SO HARD to get me to remember what triggered that anxiety. Every time I would go to Starbucks and order a drink, my hands would go cold and sweaty. And then there's the trembling and shortness of breath.

Believe me, I've tried getting over it.

The few places where I can pay without any worry are at my school's koop and canteen. I think it's because I'm familiar with it? Plus, the akak who sits behind the counter at the koop is very nice. 

I really want to get over it because it's annoying as hell and I don't know how much longer I can keep this from my parents.

I'm not quite sure how I can handle myself anymore.

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Hurin Hasana

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Symphony

I've been going to school and living life like normal. Until one day I wrote this particular essay out of the blue.

 She stares at the screen in front of her. She held the device tight in the palm of her hand while her mind raced with various thoughts. They call each other at night and talk about anything and everything. Yet, there's something off, odd, out of place. A guy and a girl will never be just friends, whether it be best friends or a typical friendship. One will always fall for the other. That's how it works and unfortunately, how the universe works. The feelings are usually not mutual, sadly. The girl could love the guy to death but the guy might not feel the same way.
 In this case, the girl has to let go. For the man she loves will never notice her feelings. She doesn't have the courage to confess. She doesn't deserve him anyways. That's the reason why they're only friends. He is too good for her. They'll never be a perfect match. There's a saying that goes, if you love someone, let them go. If you're meant for each other, they'll come back. If they don't, they were never yours in the first place.
 She loves him enough to let him go. That's the right thing to do. She can't hurt herself anymore. She wants to be loved, but he can't give it to her. She'll only cause herself more pain by loving him. It sounds selfish, but it's for the best. He cares about her, but not how she wants him to. She wants him to care for her and love her just how she does towards him. He can't give her what she wants, so why is she still holding on? She got too attached to him, and now the last thing that she wants to do is break his heart, just like how he did to hers.
 As she stares at his tall figure, his hazel eyes filled with tenderness, she knew she would never stop loving the man standing in front of her. He was part of the majority of her life and that's not something too look past. Guilt fills her heart. She was going to let him go, once and for all. Although it'll hurt, loving him would hurt her even more. She swallows the lump rising in her throat and says the words nobody likes to hear.
 "We can't see each other anymore."
 He was stunned. No warning signs appeared prior to this very day. It wasn't expected. The girl that he is standing in front of is giving up on them. They're not in a relationship, but it hurts nonetheless. He nods to her words in understanding and, with tears in her eyes, she turns to leave. Expecting him to run to her and embrace her. None of that happens.
 Little did she know, she wasn't the only one crying at that moment.


Okay, that was very depressing. Whenever I write, I find myself in a situation where I need to let go of all my emotions so that my writing can go smoothly. Easier said than done. The essay above was written with a broken heart, I assure you. I love the feeling when I start writing and imagining myself in a concert hall with symphony in the background. Don't you think that's absolutely divine?

This is a random post but I love the essay and I hope ya'll like it too.

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Hurin Hasana

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Status

In my school, seeming and acting like you come from a wealthy family would earn you respect from other people. For example, Myra (not actual name) comes from a family that's well-payed. She uses an iPhone 6 and wears Swatch to school. Therefore, people will look at her as a rich kid. Other students will look up to her because her status rises due to the fact that she comes from a rich family.
Honestly, I admit that I get judged a lot due to my financial status. My batchmates look at me like I come from a normal family with parents who earn probably RM5K per month. My mom always told me, "Zuhud la Adik. Jangan show off." But me being humble has costed my batchmates perspective of me. I think if I told everyone how much money my parents make per month, I am 100% sure that their opinions on me would change. Because that's just how people judge.
One of my other friends also come from a good family. We agree that, yes, being humble is what is taught in Islam, but we are being judged because of it. I know that I should stay humble and take care of my family's image bla bla bla, but I'm genuinely scared that there will be a day where I'll be forced to admit my financial status just to protect myself.

Just because I use a 5S, doesn't mean I can't afford a 6+.
Just because I don't wear Nike sport shoes, doesn't mean I can't afford them.
Just because I don't wear Ice Watch, doesn't mean I can't afford it.
Just because my house isn't a bungalow or a villa, doesn't mean I'm poor.

Don't judge people by the way they look. Believe me, people will seem so much more different when you get to know them. Be humble. Because that's how you'll protect your dignity.

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Hurin Hasana

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Handling Argumentative Fright

The other day, my class was having a forum (or rather a debate) on things that we think should be made available in the school. The class was divided into two with 15 members in each group. Each group sent one representative to present their suggestions. The other group was given the privilege to oppose if they feel the need to do so. It went on for quite a while (the whole thing took an hour and 10 minutes). I discovered something eye-opening during our session.
The other group was presenting on of their suggestions on how we should have dryers in the school. Immediately, I wanted to counter with the idea of pollution. Even before she finished presenting her idea, I was ecstatic to oppose her opinion. As she neared the end of her speech, I was ready to raise my hand. Until I realized that I was shaking BADLY. Like, real badly. It felt as if my heart was gonna jump out of my chest and run to the edge of the world and never come back. Even as I expressed my opposition, my eyes legitimately twitched (that happens when I'm nervous). That night, I told everything to one of my friends who also struggles with anxiety (if you're reading this, bless you). She told me how it was argumentative fright and I was appalled. I never knew this thing existed.
After what happened in class, I've developed a few ways to control argumentative fright:

1. Do breathing exercises
     -yes, these do help a lot whether you like it or not. Control your breathing. The key is to think of something that makes you calm (a landscape, family, boyfriend bla bla bla) and taking deep breaths. Keep your heartbeat steady.

2. Clench your fists to control the shaking

3. Forget the whole thing ever happened
    - basically, distract yourself from whatever opinion that you've just voiced out. That's what's bothering you. Doodle on a piece of paper or something.

4. Build confidence in yourself
     - argumentative fright is DEFINITELY different compared to stage fright/anxiety. You want to speak but you're scared of how people will accept your opposition or suggestion. Before starting your recommendation, take a deep breath and be confident that no matter how stupid or illogical your opinion is, you voiced it out. Unlike that person in the back who has no opinions to voice at all.

That's all I have for now. Might edit in some more in the future (or make a part 2 or something). Remember, it doesn't matter whether your opinion is right or wrong. You stood up and expressed it, that's what matters.

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Hurin Hasana

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False Accusations

Hello!

It's officially been one of the worst days of my entire life. I've never felt so wrongly accused before. I really hate this. The teachers are really starting to hate us now. If any of you know what's going on, then good for you. But for those who don't, I'll tell the story from A to Z.

This morning, Form 2 were told to stay back at the sure after assembly. After I got that info, there was only one thing in my head. 'Definitely an iPad issue', I told myself. At first I saw Pak A, and I was 100% convinced it was an iPad matter. Then came the whole administrative board, Cgu S, Madam F and Cgu N. All of these teachers have a major role in the usage of iPad in my school. At first I thought they were going to scold our batch about misuse of the technology that we have been given, which has been my duty to try and tackle that issue. To my surprise, it wasn't about watching dramas in between classes or launching Instagram during our free time. In fact, it was something definitely and infinitely worse. 

AIRDROP

I admit, AirDrop has been a lingering issue since this year. Last year, there were literally zero issues on AirDrop. The problem suddenly occurred when a Form 1 accused that a supposed Form 2 AirDropped something to her that (long story short) stated how useless Form 1's are. The AirDrops were in Malay so I can't really translate them for your convenience. The moment my teacher read those AirDrops, I was 100% confident that it was definitely someone who's not part of our batch. The language use in general is so obvious. I know how my formmates talk, whether it be in real life or in a chatroom.

The teachers got mad and stormed out, thinking about how we are stupid and cowardly for not admitting to the problem. Here's the issue and the main question in my head, 'How do you expect someone to admit to something that they didn't do?' That's not how life works. If you do something wrong, you admit to that mistake and that mistake ONLY. There was a lot of crying everywhere (especially me, because I'm literally the leader of iPad representatives and I feel like I haven't carried out my duties well).

Anyway, our batch leader and her assistant are working extremely hard to find some concrete evidence to prove that we're not guilty. I hope to whoever's reading whether it be a student from my school or just a random outsider, please pray for my batch. This is the second time that this has happened. I hate this. I hate seeing my batch mates cry. Please. I'm begging you. This is our last resort. And it may stay like that for awhile.

I hope ya'll have a good day. See ya.

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Hurin Hasana

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How Do I Stop Being a Burden?

Hello there!

This is new.

    Anyway, to my previous readers, I have done an official re-branding of my blog. I hope it doesn't dissapoint. Honestly, I'm crap at writing blogs so for now, I'm gonna write whatever I want. hehe

    We have a short holiday this weekend but I'm not going home. That alone upsets me a lot. I truely miss my parents and the thought of seeing them even for a while makes me happy. Behind that, all I really care is about how I shouldn't be a burden to them as a daughter. Me being in this school is already a heavy burden on their shoulders and I keep thinking why I should pressure them into visiting me and so on. I love them too much to be selfish. 

    Not much has happened, but school hasn't really been that great anyways. Exams are approaching but I can't seem to find the mood to study or learn. All I want to do is have a moment to myself. Not that I would be given the opportunity anyways.

    I got scolded by my Form 4 because our dorm was the least clean. It shocks me. How the hell can my dorm be the least clean? I've seen other dorms in a much worse condition. I try my best to keep my dorm clean. It's come to the point where I could care less about my locker, but the dorm needs to be clean. I admit, I'm at fault for this. I'll try harder and make sure the dorm is clean. Tonight I'm on sweep duty so that needs to make an impression.

    I really wanted to talk about depression during recess but I didn't have the guts to volunteer. Maybe another time.

    I'm going back with a friend this holiday and we'll be staying in a hotel room with another friend of ours. I keep thinking of all the things that we could do in that room since her parents are staying in a separate room. Plus, the hotel is literally right above a mall so I might be spending quite a lot of money this holiday.

    Mom is letting me ask her for more money to go grocery shopping and I still haven't made a list on what I should buy. I really hope there's a bakery in the mall. I'm utterly desperate for donuts.

For now, I bid farewell, readers. Give me a while to think of a sign-off sentence. 

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Hurin Hasana

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