Wow, the last post I wrote was in 2018. Form 3 was pleasant enough and I got straight As at the end of the year. It was disappointing that I couldn't go to school to receive my results on stage like most of my friends did, but I was happy nonetheless.
Come to think of it, my whole Form 4 year feels vague and uncertain in my head. As if it never even happened. Personally, I think all the stress and anxiety I had to suffer from throughout the year kind of muddled everything I had achieved. As far as I can recall, I was able to participate in the NICTSeD Grand Finale in Kuala Lumpur. My mom even came to watch us, and even though we didn't win by the end of the day, this was where I really learned to appreciate the experience instead of the achievement.
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Me, giving my speech during the Finale
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My finals didn't suck even though I probably had less than a week to study everything. Really, I believe that all the sacrifices I did for the school did pay off in the end.
Come 2020, I had this huge responsibility on my shoulders. So far, being the HeadGirl has never been easy. I get stressed every day and there's this gnawing feeling in my stomach whenever I feel like I've failed to educate and lead the students. Deep down, I know I've given it my all but sometimes it's not enough. It comes to a point where I even hesitate to act out because I'm plainly scared of everything. I'm not scared of being hated if that's what you think. I just fear what my actions will entail in the future. It's all I worry about these days which I really shouldn't. Stressing out about things I can't change has taken a larger toll on my wellbeing than I ever thought it could.
I distinctly remember in February that a teacher called the school leaders 'munafik' because we didn't carry out our duties. She pointed her finger at us as if we were the main reason as to why the students just wouldn't listen. I cried myself to sleep that night and woke up with puffy eyes. My roommates are accustomed to it by now. If I come back, directly jump on my bed and bodily hug my shark plushie, they just know. I admit I'm lucky to have them all with me. Thank you Dorm Blok E kecik hehehe.
Added with this COVID19 pandemic going on, it's not like my responsibilities have lessened and dwindled. Sometimes I feel like the role I play is bigger. I have to motivate my friends to study and make sure students don't post things that they'll regret in the future. Still stressing out as per usual.
At the end of the day, we all have our own struggles I guess. Maybe some of you are struggling with online classes, family issues. Maybe some of your relatives are front liners and you're constantly worried about their safety. My prayers go out to all who contribute to flattening the curve and saving the patients in need.
Stay safe and Stay Home everybody!
